chad's space

It always sounds weird to myself when I think of some things. I can't help it, I think of what people think of me. I think of what they would say if they knew me then and then saw where I am today. I imagine what they might they think if they knew the past of the man who gets to have the life he has now.

Maybe they would be envious. Maybe they would think that I didn't deserve it. Maybe they would see this beautiful life that God has given me and they would wonder if maybe He had such a life for them... Maybe they would see the suffering all around them and wonder why God gives some things to some people while He seems to let others go through this life with such hard times...

Maybe most of the time they wouldn't even care.

I can't say anything to those voices in my head, who judge me and condemn me. Most of them are myself, and an enemy who doesn't want any of those things that God has for His beloved children. I see such things in myself, such heartache and imperfection. I see a man who is so far from complete that it astonishes me that God would even let such a creature wake up in the morning, that He would see fit to breathe life anew every day into a thing that seeks to serve itself for most of its brief time on this earth. I see these parts of me that I wish I could erase...

And then I see Him.

I don't understand God, nor do I know Him like so many have known Him. What I do know is that tears fill my eyes when I read a letter from my fiancee of her devotion to me and her love for the God whom we seek to make the center of our lives. I cannot put words to the feelings that come up when I am reminded of how hard it used to be, and how wonderful it is now.

Never give up, no matter what those voices say. Never give up no matter how far down I go.

I was not given a happy disposition when I was born. The chemicals in my head don't add up to being those that overflow with laughs and joy and wonder at this world we get to live in. I have to fight for such things. But it is always worth it. How many times have I begged God to take away all the things that I see when I close my eyes at night, but they are reminders of what I have chosen in this life. I thank God that they are not who I will be when we are together at last. I thank God that this is not all there is...

We're almost there. So we never give up. As much as I have seen what I should not be, and as much as so many others have seen things that I will never have to see, so we are one when we move on from this life.

Never give up.